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It’s been six days, six trying days and hell since I returned home. I was gradually getting over Wole’s death now despite the lullaby of nightmares i got almost everynight. Luke phoned, he was okay and safe, Wole had been killed by some cult group he refused to settle scores with, so unfortunate for him.
I promised mother I’d cut down on drugs and liquor. She’s been quite better, happy seeing me this way. I still wonder how I got to make that promise to her and how I got caught up in the strange web of sympathy, fear that pulled me back here, home. On my first day here I’d sniffed cocaine agan in secrecy, I tried so hard not to but it really was a tough thing to shove off that feeling. You know that feeling when you crave deeply for something like its become a part of you and it’s there, next to you, giving you that death Stare. You want it so bad, you know you want it yet you try to hold back that desire not to reach for it but in the end, you find yourself entangled in its web again.
Yes, that feeling, and I couldn’t help but sniff the whole thing to calm my nerves. On several occasions I had sneaked out to local stores in the neighbourhood for liquor, tramadol, anything to cool my head. I was careful enough and thankful mother never found out. And before you think I wasn’t ready to give up drugs, they were times I tried, I tried really hard to do without any of those for at least a whole day but my body failed me.
My undying taste for stimulants rendered me helpless at the mercy of codeine and its kind,The desire has become so strong than ever before these days that i could snort a hundred wraps and still not be satisfied if i ever got the chance to.Mother said she was helping me do without them, she said I could live without them.
She was always thinking “spiritual” , thinking I was possessed or oppressed by witches, she dwelled on superstitions, and none of that was easing my terrible encounter. I’d been desolated by the daily tribulations of anxiety, depression, paranoia and sleepless nights my body battled with for the past few days I hadn’t tasted substance.
Often times I found myself loosing it, being restless, violent with everything yet suspicious of everyone around me, sad feelings, strange involuntary actions occured, they were phantom moments I couldn’t deny.
Some days I became extremely sad with negative thoughts, trying to hurt myself until mother came to my aid. I knew I was me, it was my body yet I couldn’t control my actions or bring myself to a halt, strange even to myself.
Cool one moment and crazy the other when that feeling for it pops up. I became weird. Weird mad, weird sad.
As I sit here alone, thinking about my strange encounter for the past days I begin to feel uneasy ,anxious, cold sweat prickles on my skin. I feel that strong desire whirling up inside of me again,my skin starts to itch. I scratch the itching spot for a few seconds, I feel relieved, better for a while then the uneasiness starts again, it comes stronger, I feel the tingling sensation from from the pores on my hairy arms and muscles my skin begins to bite on the arm… Everywhere! My head aches badly, i feel insecure, unsafe, miserable.
“You’ll never get better”
” you’re the third wheel in the friend circle, the worst ”
” Such a looser! Everyone hates you!! ”
“Do it! Good for nothing do it!!” .
My own voices start cursing at me in my head, my mind. My heart beats so fast almost jumping out of my chest to the ground, I become exhausted and at that moment I really felt like poking my chest with a knife till I could see my heart ripped out, strangling myself with a rope if I found one or jumping into an imaginary lagoon to free myself of the hassles……
Written by: Martha Okenyi
Directed by: Alechenu Godwin
Powered by: Foga Luter Timothy (Mr Tourism Benue Zone B )